the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
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I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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