she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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