If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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