My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
