I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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