I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We're too hungover to prance.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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