I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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