she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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