She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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