Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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