so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
