i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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