I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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