I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
