Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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