Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this will be a night to untag.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
