shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
