In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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