she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
