I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
His nipple licking is glorious
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