We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
