so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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