You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
