I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
