Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
