Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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