no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
