I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
