saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
