Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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