He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
