I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
