I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
