Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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