I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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