I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
