I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
