Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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