please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Randomize
