Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
