So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
