Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
