Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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