I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
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Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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