If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
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That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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