I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
