I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
