We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
