He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
