final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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