Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
vagina is talking i cant
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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