Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
