My nipple is on Facebook.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.