im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
