I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
