you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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