One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
