What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
