does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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