I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
