whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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